alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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