I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
