I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
