so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just pee around me
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize