I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
