Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
