So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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