I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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