Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
