Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize