I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
