Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
