STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
