A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
