she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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