my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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