True but thats because hes a fetus.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
