this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
