Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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