my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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