i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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