Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
