I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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