i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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