I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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