I met the friendliest cop last night
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
