i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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