They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
