Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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