The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
