Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
