My sheets look like a crime scene.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
