I wish I could punch you in the face.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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