Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
