Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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