what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
