I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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