saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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