don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
