when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
