Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
