and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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