Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
