this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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