This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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