My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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