my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
