I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I wish there were birth control emojis
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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