Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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