I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
