I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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