I want to make a zoo with you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
