he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
