we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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