I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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