dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize