I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
