So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
